Post Sixteen

'It's about the journey, not the destination.'

In your lifetime, how many times have you heard this statement or something like it? It's like on every 'get well' Hallmark card or something an old person says when you are very clearly a disaster. I have found myself in multiple situations in my life being told this statement. It is often followed by 'you are starting your journey, and you will get there.'

But let me ask you this: How many freaking times do I need to start a new journey to get to a so-called beautiful destination? Not to mention what the fuck will I do when I get there? Am I just going to stay at my best, most perfect self?

Hmmm?

No.

This cliche is bullshit.

There is no utopian destination you are trudging towards; there are just the days you are given and the choices you make within those days. It's the choice of going with your feelings and dreams vs. your thoughts and doubts.

When I feel I am slipping backward, 'when I should be making my way forward in this journey,' I find myself ready to isolate myself. My anxious thoughts and overactive mind can somehow fully convince me that my place in people's lives is not healthy or good for them. I should always be that sunny Gwen with a big smile, stupid jokes, and a laugh that you can hear from a long, long distance. When I feel I can't muster up to be that version of myself, I run in the opposite direction. I am a burden in my mind, and no person I love deserves to be burdened by someone who cries in bed, has trouble eating breakfast, lunch, or dinner, and blanks out of conversations.

Do I hold these standards for the people I love? No… I would never, which means I have the ability to successfully be my worst enemy. The worst part is that I don't even know why.

I feel I will be replaced by a better version of myself that isn't as bruised and somehow has everything I don't have—sort of like an outdated iPhone that needs to be upgraded. When I am down, which quite honestly is now, I push those friends and even family away because I want to take that control rather than be completely abandoned out of nowhere. But really, the fear of being isolated away from the people around you causes you to do the isolating yourself.

Deep down, I know I am not an outdated iPhone that can be easily replaced in the lives of the people around me. Ironically, deep down, I know that nobody is like me, not even close. But the anxiety-inducing fear and false questioning and criticizing keeps you/me from believing in yourself/myself, hence 'stunts your journey' from your 'perfect destination.'

I am continually coming to peace with the fact that there won't be an exact day and moment when my past traumas are entirely washed away. There won't be an exact day and moment where I fully combat my issues with eating. There won't be an exact day where my overactive thoughts and doubts will simply dissipate, and I am 100% free from any of my struggles. It is unrealistic to strive for a destination that just isn't there.

Even though there isn't a destination to get to, you need to find the fight and love within yourself to accept that life is not beautifully mapped out and that you will have to live with your scars and wounds. Those imperfections are far more beautiful than the perfect destination will ever be. It is just about choice.

And I am learning and relearning the choice always is to fight.

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So I guess this means I'm back on this blog? Guess so.

Wish on a dandelion for me,

G